This week’s gossip, whispers and City rumours in this week’s edition of The Capitalist

’80s HITS LIFT SPIRITS AT TORY CONFERENCE
At their party conference in Birmingham, the Tories tried their best to bring back the good times. Reporters who have been following the Conservatives for years privately joked that the labyrinth conference centre had about a third of the amount of people as when the party was in government. Young Conservatives were paraded as future stars in several events although even then the vibes in the day were somewhat off. Just ask shadow chancellor Andrew Griffith, who waited for quiet applause to fade out before awkwardly walking off stage after his main speech. Or deputy leader Alex Burghart, who mistakenly said Sir Niall Ferguson had visited Russia in a panel event when he had in fact travelled to Kyiv. But the Tories are not really day people anyway. The waiting time for pints at the conference’s hotel lobby was no less than 20 minutes at times. The LGBT+ Conservatives threw a party for the ages, featuring MPs such as Blake Stephenson and Katie Lam, and James McAlpine, the world’s tallest Tory at a height of 7ft 2in, dancing to hits from the ‘80s. Some hacks got in the spirit of fun with a breakaway to karaoke. It’s in the late hours of the night that staffers and activists really feel like they’ve been sent back to the glory days.

FREE-FOR-ALL AT THE TREASURY
What’s going on at the Treasury? Even life-long critics recognise that the best and brightest are found there, but are standards slipping? John Healey’s department is advertising for a pensions policy adviser to “lead and co-ordinate HMT’s input to the Pensions Commission”, and before you rule yourself out, consider that “You do not need to be a policy professional or have any specific qualifications to succeed in the role.” HMT has also launched its 2027 Graduate Policy Programme, offering a three year stint to aspiring economic policy wonks. The ad makes clear that a degree in economics is not required, and that it’s open to anyone with a 2:2 degree in any subject. Brightest and best, step up!

A BOOZY NIGHT AT THE BAYEUX TAPESTRY
Apparently some members of the public with tickets to see the Bayeux Tapestry (as opposed to the Tory version) have been hampered by painfully long queues, with some left out in the cold entirely. No such hardship for guests at media tycoon Mike Bloomberg’s annual party at the British Museum last night, with a seamless parade of political, media and City bigwigs able to enjoy the Norman embroidery at their leisure. Alas, the gin cocktails had to be left outside the viewing gallery but we’re happy to report that fresh glasses were on offer at the exit.

SLUMMING IT
The Tories have been showcasing their plans for spending cuts at their conference this week and The Capitalist hears they aren’t just talking the talk. One thrifty shadow cabinet member booked a shared room in a hostel with a loo down the corridor. Another struggled to identify himself after losing his key. “Burnham’s Burmigham” one of our correspondents quipped…

BELGRAVIA MEMBERS’ CLUB CUTS THE FAT
News that private members’ club The Pembroke was hiring a “butter sommelier” sparked intrigue earlier this year. A novel way, indeed, to put bread on the table. Sadly, the club confirmed to us that they didn’t “move forward” with the hire, despite The Guardian this week pronouncing that we are in the age of the great “butter boom”. A slippery story indeed.

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